Friday, September 14, 2018

FRANtasy Football: an endeavor

Attempting to maintain interest in Fantasy Football, one gameweek at a time.

Gameweek 1 - 10 Aug: Son's Army

You know you've fallen out of the loop with how Fantasy Football works when you don't even realise that you're supposed to pick a vice-captain for that inconceivable moment one week when your skipper doesn't play.

My tactical masterstroke for the start of the season was brilliantly simple (and fundamentally flawed): Chelsea have shag all strikers in their squad, so Oliver Giroud was certain to play. Chelsea's opening day opponents were Huddersfield - Giroud, being the incredibly sexy poacher that he is, was bound to score. Everybody and their granny was certain to have an obvious choice of captain like Mo Salah or Saido Mané (I actually went through the top 40-odd teams for the first week and couldn't find one who didn't have either player as captain), so I thought I'd catch them all out.

It backfired. Spectacularly.




But listen, it could be worse - my blissful ignorance of the vice-captaincy meant that Liverpool goalkeeper Allison Becker was my second in command, so I still netted a nifty 14 points off him. Unfortunately, there was to be no such redemption for my selection of City defender Nicolás Otamendi - the fact he didn't play meant that big, bumbling Phil Jagielka wriggled his way into my starting XI and cost me a valuable three points because he got himself sent off against Wolves in Everton's first game of the season. 

All of this pales in comparison to Son Heung-min - the Spurs midfield maestro only played 10 minutes of his side's victory over Newcastle, so I only got the one point for him. To compound things, he now has this lovely message over his name: "Has departed for the Asian Games with South Korea. - Unknown return date." Turns out he's gone off with South Korea to the Asian Games where he hopes a winner's medal will save him from mandatory military service.

Also, N'Golo Kanté scored, proving my mate Brendan 'Brenner' Cosgrave wrong - the man is a gift from the Gods and will net me points despite his status as a defensive midfielder.

So, all in all, not the blistering start one would have hoped for, but listen, there's still 37 more gameweeks to go.

Points: 47
Tally: 47

Gameweek 2 - 18 Aug: AGUEROOOOOOOOOOOh no, Otamendi didn't play again

As Aguero latched onto that beautiful long ball from Man City's terrifying looking goalkeeper Ederson, I thought to myself: "This is it, the week I SERGE back up the table." With Aguero as captain, nothing could stop me. 

Except Otamendi didn't play. And Giroud fluffed his one decent chance against his former employers (but he's incredibly sexy, so we'll let him away with that). And Joshua King did feck all (not sexy, no let off). But listen, at least I dropped Son and used the extra million I had in the bank to sign Saido Mané. 

"But Fran, if you could afford Mané the whole time, why didn't you have him in the first place?" Because, dear reader, shut up.



I actually made two transfers this week, meaning I spent four precious points to replace Big Phil Jagielka with Watford's José Lloyd Holebas - because with a decent performance week one and with a middle name like Lloyd, he seemed like a solid investment. 

Watford trounced Burnley, but didn't keep a cleansheet so it wasn't the brilliant transfer I'd hoped it would be. Still, it has to be better than holding onto a suspended Jaguar. And I'm also just biding my time until Yerry Mina becomes fit and starts banging them in from centre-back for Everton after his move from Barcelona. #livingoffthatWorldCupform

I am slowly losing hope that Otamendi will play football, though - or at least I was until I saw John Stones go walkabout against Huddersfield, allowing Jon Gorenc Stanković to do the unthinkable and net the unlikeliest of consolation goals. So I live in hope, and as Gandalf the Wizard once said, "There never was much hope. Just a fool's hope."

Points: 75
Transfers: 2 (-4 points)
Tally: 118

Gameweek 3 - 25: Joshua, King of Games*

This was the week. I finally did it. It was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. 

I dropped Olivier Giroud.




I know what you're thinking. I can hear your snickering thoughts. "Sure he had one point from two games - he didn't even play the first game. What are you so upset about?" 

Well to you I say: "Listen, the man is a World Cup winner. You have to respect that. You also have to respect that he rocks a pair of briefs better than you or I ever will, so all things considered, everything is still coming up Giroud."

In the end, as much as it pains me to say it, the dumping of 2015's Hottest Premier League player was a masterstroke as it allowed me to sign Snapchat's greatest transfer Aleksander Mitrović - and he delivered a picture perfect performance to get me a whopper 16 points thanks to two goals, an assist and some delicious bonus points to burn out Burnley.

However, a special shoutout needs to be given to Joshua King who finally justified my entire reasoning for including him in the side...by scoring a penalty. He also earned some lovely bonus points, truly making him the King of Games (yes, I can do maths, I know Mitrović got more points than King; I also may or may not owe the decision to include King to Brendan Cosgrave - say nothin').

Lastly, if you haven't seen it, check out José Lloyd Holebas' absolutely cracking cross against Palace. It was so perfect that it didn't even need somebody on the other end to guide it home - it just landed in the top bin and said to Palace's 'keeper, "Sorry Hennessey, but that's the Wayne the cookie crumbles."

I'm here all season.




Points: 65
Transfers: 1 (free)
Tally: 183

*soz Mitrović.

Gameweek 4 - 01 Sep: Hole new ball game? No way, José

They told me, but I never listened. "In time," they said, "you'll know what it's like to lose whopper points that are stuck on your subs bench; to feel so desperately that it won't happen to you, yet to lose out on some whopper points all the same."

I never listened. And Watford and José Lloyd Holebas have proved I know nothing about anything.



Spurs had just come off the back of a 3-0 piss-take of United the week before. Watford, meanwhile, had made a decent winning start to the season but hadn't faced anybody who would be considered Top 4 contenders, so I figured this was the week the Hornets would feel the sting of defeat and potentially concede a few goals - so I dropped Lloyd.

I also finally got rid of Otamendi and Mina for good measure to bring in two City defenders: Benjamin Mendy and Aymeric Laporte. City were to play Newcastle, who had lost each of their previous league games and had also lost to Nottingham Forest in the League Cup in the week leading up to their clash with City. It seemed a decent shout, and to boot I made a bold play - I triple captained Aguero. With his record against Newcastle, it seemed like it could be the play of the season.

Needless to say, when I saw that DeAndre Yedlin had equalised for the Geordies, I was disappointed. Then, when I checked the final result and saw that City had won 2-1, but that Aguero had failed to score, I was devastated - a feeling which was somewhat cushioned by the fact that he at least notched an assist, so I still walked away with 18 points for the triple captaincy. Mendy also assisted so his acquisition is already returning dividends (and he cost less than Otamendi?!).

However,  the true folly of my decision-making didn't hit me until I wrote the post for this gameweek...five days later. 

I never bothered to properly check the result of the Watford-Spurs game, assuming that Spurs had done the business and that dropping Lloyd was as safe as houses. I nearly choked on my Cornflakes when I logged into my team to see that Lloyd and the 10 delicious points he earned were getting splinters sitting on my feckin' bench. Watford are going to win the league, lads.

My FRANagerial masterstrokes continue to baffle even me. Shit like this is why I wouldn't even be trusted to manage the local tiddly-winks outfit down the road from my gaff.

Points: 52
Transfers: 2 (-4 points)
Tally: 231

Gameweek 5 - 15 Sep: No MENDing this season

It's like Liverpool just don't want to keep cleansheets. They were absolutely cruising against Spurs, they had no need to concede a goal. Literally none. I mean, a corner should not bounce in the box and get through to the back post. Fair play to Lamela, the finish was exquisite - but he's not in my team, so he can jog on.



I decided to get rid of Crystal Palace's ever present Luka Milivojević due to his solid yet unspectacular nature and decided to bring in the more spectacular Pedro - and he was spectacular alright...in the way he managed to not be involved for Chelsea's first three goals against Cardiff before getting hooked after 68 minutes for Willian...who proceeded to come on and score. Mané and Salah did feck all as well and Kanté is Kanté, so my four midfielders returned a measly 10 points.

The defence fared worse - sure, Laporte managed to get a cleansheet but Lloyd failed to justify my faith in him. I dropped Vertonghen figuring Spurs would lose to Liverpool, which they duly did. I was hoping the international break wouldn't ruin Watford's tremendous early season form, but unfortunately I was to be duped and Lloyd played only to concede two goals and get himself book, so his 2 points became zilch. Mendy didn't play either due to injury, so at least that 1 point from Vertonghen will be added to my tally at the end of the gameweek.

The bulk of this week's points came from the front line, which means only one thing: Joshua, King of Games did what he does best...he scored a penalty. Aguero captained my team again, but failed to find the net; he managed an assist, so at least the doubling-action returned some reward.

Yet I may need a new skipper for next week as Aguero seemingly has an ankle knock which only gives him a 75% chance of playing City's next game. Mendy is also a doubt with the aforementioned knee injury, so he may also need to be dropped...which means a double transfer and losing 4 points. Is it time to Wildcard it up? I'm not sure I'm arsed.

Points: 44
Transfers: 1 (free)
Tally: 275

Gameweek 6 - 22 Sep: Idiot

It only took gameweek six, but I finally forgot to change my team. I wouldn't even mind, I was thinking about it the night before the deadline - Aguero and Pedro only 75% likely to play, according to the FF website, and Mendy was injured. "Ah sure, I'll give it till 15 minutes before the deadline while in work tomorrow. I'll see if it changes and if not, I'll make my subs then." 

Note to self: never apply that logic again, because I will just forget.


Now, to be honest, I got quite lucky - Aguero ended up playing in the 5-0 demolition of Cardiff City and he scored too, so I got 12 points off him when I would have probably taken him out. I can't complain too much, then, about the fact Mendy and Pedro didn't play. I was lucky to an extent in that I had Vertonghen to come in for Mendy and the main man Dale Stephens from Brighton to come in for Pedro (this is only the second time Stephens has made it into my XI - and it's the second time he only got in because somebody else from Chelsea didn't play *cough sexy Giroud cough*).

I replaced Luka Milivojević with Pedro to the former's less spectacular approach, but Pedro's points average for me is now less than that of the consistent Palace midfielder, so I reckon I'll write him off as a flop. In fact, there's a possibility that I just snap this week and write the entire team off - go full Wildcard and pray. Then again, Snapchat sensation Mitrović has been a revelation since coming in, scoring 4 goals and notching one assist from the four games he's played since signing.

And I just can't bear to get rid of Joshua, King of Games. I'd be lost without him and his penalty taking skills. Mendy's injury is unfortunate as he looked to be a force to be reckoned with down City's left side during their opening games, and now even the imperturbable Dale Stephens is injured, so I'm really stretched this week. It's either use my Wildcard or Free Hit and hope the players I pick up are up to the job and can stay fit for the rest of the season, or I take a smack in the points transfer-wise and hope my signings are shrewd enough to make back the deficit. 

The true hilarity of all this is that I actually managed to get 51 points from a gameweek in which I forgot to make any changes to the squad - last week I tried and got 44. If this doesn't support Homer Simpson's most sage piece of life advice, I don't know what does.



Points: 44
Transfers: 0
Tally: 319

Gameweek 7 - 29 Sep: FRANic buying doesn't work

I came within ten minutes of repeating the exact same mistake I made last week - unfortunately, it turns out panic buying at the last second doesn't yield any more points then forgetting completely as I notched 44 this week, same as last week.



Given that I only had ten minutes to make the FRANsfers of the century, I naturally signed Kyle Walker to replace bendy Mendy. I've never liked Kyle Walker, but he turned out to be one of my better players this week so I guess he's now the best player in the world, fact, and nobody will ever change my mind. My bold signing was Richarlson, recently returned from suspension, for Pedro - and though Everton ran out comfortable 3-0 winners against Fulham (meaning Mitrović fluffed his lines), Richarlson failed to replicate his early season form this time out.

The real mistake here was relying on Salah and Mané to do the business against Chelsea when Liverpool had already lost to Chelsea in the League Cup midweek. The warning signs were there that Maurizio Sarri's side could prove to be something of an Achilles heel for the Reds, and so it proved when they became the first team to take points off Liverpool this season in a 1-1 draw.

It should also be said that in recent weeks, I've lapsed on actually watching the games and it shows in the selections I've been making. The whole point was to use this team to keep a better eye on the Premier League and to use keeping a better eye on the Premier League as reason enough to maintain the interest in Fantasy Football. #FrandorasBox #Franception

My only saving grace this week again was skipper Aguero, a true leader of men - or, in this case, truly bang-average Fantasy Football teams. There's a lot of deadwood in my squad at the moment and it may be time to freshen things up by granting myself an October warchest, ie, a Wildcard. That way, I can truly put together a squad which is even more bang average than the one I currently have.

Points: 44
Transfers: 2 (free)
Tally: 363

Gameweek 8 - 05 Oct: I'M SLIPPIIIIING NOW!

To be fair to Steven Gerrard, he didn't slip up until the tail end of Liverpool's ultimately failed title bid in 2014 - my mental slip came this week when I once again forget to adjust my team before the deadline and ended up with Liverpool's goalkeeper, two City defenders, two Liverpool midfielders and Aguero as captain (with his atrocious away record against Liverpool to boot) all in my team on the weekend the two teams clashed at Anfield.



Needless to say, it was the ideal week for a Wildcard and I missed it - and on the week Joshua, King of Games, actually scored twice in a match as well, including a trademark penalty (which is why I obviously would have persevered with the King of Games). I'm fortunate, it has to be said, that the concession of goals doesn't seemed to be punished all that heavily as Holebas only ended the week with -1 point, despite conceding four against King's Bournemouth and getting booked. Richarlson managed to get on the scoresheet too, but that's as decent a return as I managed this weekend because all of my hopes and dreams were tied up in the Liverpool-City game. 

Having realised my error, I was trying to think about what the hell I should be hoping for from this game, and I came to the conclusion that an absolute goalfest featuring strikes from skipper Aguero, Mané and Salah and assists from, of all people, Kyle Walker was my best chance - lose a few points on Allison and Laporte, sure, but gain far more from Walker living the dream and the best attackers in the league putting on a scoring masterclass.

So of course the exact opposite happened. At least I bagged 18 delicious cleansheet points anyway. It wasn't the best game to watch either which made it so much worse, as it always does. But listen, I have an entire international break to reflect on my mental Stevie G moment. To let this lapse haunt me, like I'm sure losing out on a Premier League title medal haunts Stevie everyday, hence his attempt to compensate by leading Rangers out of the dark and to the SPFL title as gaffer extraordinaire.

Anyway, let's journey back one more time, just to dampen my own misery and compound somebody else's never ending pain (that's you, Liverpool fans):





Points: 50
Transfers: 0
Tally: 413

Gameweek 9 - 20 Oct: Jazz 'Hands' Richards

It finally happened, and it coincided with the man actually worming his way into my starting XI: Ashley Darel Jazz Richards earned a Fantasy Football point. And as much as I would like to claim credit for this tactical masterstroke, really I have the FF automatic substitution system to thank as both Vertonghen and Walker didn't play this week, forcing my hand and giving Jazz 'Hands' Richards the opportunity of a lifetime.



ADJR's inclusion and delivery is the only success story of this week, though, it has to be said, as this was a week in which three of my five registered defenders managed to find ways not to play for their respective clubs - yet somehow, my second highest points earner for the week was a defender: Aymeric Laporte sauntered out of City's 5-0 win over West Ham with a lovely six points. Technically, he was my joint top earner as Aguero's 12 point return is just 6 points doubled because of his captaincy.

It really was a week for my subs bench as Brighton's Dale Stephens also made his way into my XI thanks to the absence of Mané from Liverpool's scrappy 1-0 win at Huddersfield. But I come back, again, to the man of the moment - remember the name: Jazz 'Hands' Richards, the greatest footballer you never saw.

Points: 48
Transfers: 0
Tally: 461

Gameweek 10 - 27 Oct: He really is a good Mané

The chap shafted me last week, but Mané was all guns blazing in Liverpool's 4-1 demolition of Cardiff - I like to think he was positively affronted by my effusive praise of Jazz 'Hands' Richards, so felt the need to blitz the poor man's club this week. Thankfully, in regards to ADJR, normal business resumed as he was back on the bench and was unharmed by the Salah-Mané double-act.



It is typical of Liverpool, though, to find a way to concede in a game where they dominated the opposition - thus denying Alisson those coveted cleansheet points. That said, the City lads Walker and Laporte were able to clean up in that regard, which made up for skipper Aguero fluffing his lines against Spurs. However, the only thing I really want to draw attention to regarding this gameweek is the fact Kanté got an assist in Chelsea's trouncing of Burnley. I'll say it again, THIS MAN IS A GIFT FROM THE GODS. #Franté

Points: 63
Transfers: 0
Tally: 524

Gameweek 11 - 03 Nov: Remember, remember...

The third of November, Aguero's goal and assists; I could think of no reason why Southampton's poor season should see Aguero cease and desist.

I can hear the eye-rolling from here. It's delicious and I regret nothing.




Barring Aguero's slaughter of the Saints, the only other decent thing which happened for me this week was Richarlison netting a brace against Brighton. Everybody else turned in bog standard performances and returned me a measly amount of points. Given that my players were involved in some cracking games, it's typical that these goal-fests actually hurt me rather than helped me this week. I say this every week, but I need to freshen things up with a lovely Wildcard soon.

Points: 59
Transfers: 1 (free)
Tally: 583

Gameweek 12 - 10 Nov: Holebas STRIKES AGAIN!

Fucking José Lloyd Holebas made up for some dodgy weeks where I forgot to remove him from my team, even though he wasn't playing, by scoring a world class deflected strike - he meant to have the shot deflected. Honestly. He's the best full-back in the world after all.



The addition of Antonio Rüdiger to the backline last week has been fairly fruitful so far, but Roberto Pereyra feels like he will be miss and miss, as opposed to hit and miss. Thankfully, skipper Aguero continued his fine vein of recent form with another goal as City put United to the sword in the Manchester derby. Without that beautiful man, my team really would be in freefall, especially as I missed a couple of weeks and failed to take out injured/absent players as a result.

Salah has been doing okay as well, but he hasn't been hitting the heights of last season. Beggars can't be choosers, though, so I can't turn my nose up at the 75 points he's bagged for me so far this season. I reckon I'll hold off on the Wildcard I keep talking about for one more week - myself and the majority of this group of lads have been through a lot together. I can't bear to say goodbye.

Points: 55
Transfers: 1 (free)
Tally: 638

Gameweek 13 - 24 Nov: Snappy Mitrović on the double

Aleksander Mitrović - the man previously dubbed the greatest signing in Snapchat history - lived up to his moniker with a photogenic performance and a delicious double in Fulham's scintillating 3-2 victory over Southampton. That bagged him an additional three bonus points for a tally of 13, making him my Star FRAN this week (it happened, roll with it).



Glenn Murray also got in on the scoring act with a goal against Leicester, earning a couple of nifty bonus points in the process. It's just as well two of my front three stepped up as skipper Aguero had a rare off day despite the fact City trounced West Ham 4-0 - to be fair to him, Aguero has been essentially carrying my frontline, and my team in general, for much of the season, so I'll cut him some slack...this time.

My Liverpool contingent also delivered this week, with Mané getting a brace of assists and Salah netting his seventh league goal, while Alisson kept his eighth EPL cleansheet of the current campaign. And while none of these people is as sexy as Oliver Giroud, it has to be said that I made the right decision in dropping the devastatingly handsome Frenchman all those gameweeks ago.

The only really minor bum note from this week was the fact that I spent 4 points to make two transfers and dump Pereyra to bring back Richarlison. Sadly his return wasn't filled with the hellfire and brimstone I'd hoped for, but he at least earned three points so my net loss is just the solitary point this time. The loss of my pride, though, is immeasurable and ongoing.

Points: 65
Transfers: 2 (-4 points)
Tally: 699

Gameweek 14 - 30 Nov: The week Fran forgot (part 1 of a Christmas series)

Let it be known that I very heavily neglected my Fantasy Football team throughout the month of December - and I got a head start on this at the end of November, apparently.



This was a bad, bad week. Skipper Aguero didn't play in City's 3-1 defeat of Bournemouth and the only performances of note came from my Liverpool and Chelsea players - which is annoying as N'Golo Kanté once again proved Brendan Cosgrave wrong with a solid six point return thanks to his assist in Chelsea's 2-0 win over Fulham. The rest of the lads would want to step up.*

Points: 39
Transfers: 0
Tally: 738

*I would want to remember to change my team.


Gameweek 15 - 04 Dec: WILDCARD!

AFTER WEEKS OF WHINGING, I FINALLY DID IT! I played my Wildcard and it was a profitable one, too, earning me 84 points thanks to some shrewd wheelin' and dealin' that would make even Harry Redknapp fall out of the window of whatever automobile he drives these days.



My best work was signing the two Bournemouth lads, Callum Wilson and Ryan Fraser - I figured they would do the business against Huddersfield and they didn't disappoint, grabbing a goal and assist each to get 12 points apiece. Bringing in Harry Kane for skipper Aguero and making Kane captain also did the trick as he walked away from Spurs' 3-1 win over Southampton with 24 points. Christian Eriksen played his part too by making an assist, but it broke my heart to drop Kanté.

Points: 84
Transfers: 0 (BECAUSE THE WILDCARD WAS PLAYED!)
Tally: 822

Gameweek 16 - 08 Dec: The week Fran forgot (part 2 of a Christmas series)

If the Wildcard week was the pride, it definitely came before the fall - or at least the second mental lapse of this special edition Christmas series. To be fair, I was away in Liverpool playing an incredibly important Magic: The Gathering event so I could hardly be expected to prioritise this childish nonsense.



The team which performed so spectacularly just four days before wilted under the pressure their newfound fame wrought and only Mo Salah's presence in the side stopped this from being utterly embarrassing - chap ran amok and scored a hat-trick against Bournemouth while Skipper Kane (it just doesn't sound as good as skipper Aguero) was off doing his best to have no meaningful part in Spurs' 2-0 win over Leicester. 

And N'Golo Kanté continued his trend of only making notable contributions when the rest of my squad decides to vanish into the ether. To borrow the immortal words of Ray Hudson, "I will go to my grave defending that man."*



Points: 58
Transfers: 0
Tally: 880

*two minute mark on the video: sure, Hudson was speaking about Juan Román Riquelme when he said this, but he's the same as Kante...clearly.

Gameweek 17 - 15 Dec: The week Fran forgot (part 3 of a Christmas series)

José Lloyd Holebas earned me a lovely 7 points this week - too bad he was getting splinters in his arse as my third substitute while Michael feckin' Keane was getting the runaround in Everton's 3-1 defeat to City. This is why forgetting to change your team is bad, folks. It's a bold strategy, sure, but tell Cotton it most definitely did not pay off.



To be fair, Holebas' inclusion in the starting XI here wouldn't have done much to salvage a bang average week - when Martin Kelly is one of your top performers, you know you have Fantasy Football problems. The momentum generated by the Wildcard week has evaporated and the season is quickly becoming an exercise in damage limitation... at least, when I remember to limit the damage I'm doing to myself by not remembering to fix my team by actually remembering to fix my team. Remember?



Points: 42
Transfers: 0
Tally: 922

Gameweek 18 - 21 Dec: THE REMEMBRANCE GOGGLES, THEY DO NOTHING!

So, I remembered to change my team this week. As you've probably guessed already, remembering achieved nothing. Well, I mean, an 8-point increase on the previous week probably isn't something a Fran in my position can sniff at right about now, but listen, it's still bad.



To be fair, getting 4 points off Ryan Fraser was daylight robbery considering he only played 25 minutes of Bournemouth's 2-0 win over Brighton after coming on as a sub - like the old saying goes, though, it's not the minutes that matter, but how you use them, and he nabbed a nifty assist to make my terrible week ever so slightly less terrible. 

The return of skipper Aguero failed to ignite any spark in the side, but the Liverpool lads did a job, as expected, against Wolves, with Salah and Alisson getting 21 points between them to make up the bulk of my paltry return. Hopefully the next time I manage to remember to change my team, I won't burn my own eyes out.



Points: 50
Transfers: 2 (free)
Tally: 972

Gameweek 19 - 26 Dec: The week Fran forgot (part 4 of a Christmas series)

Christmas came and went, but do ye think Santa Claus gave me the gift of remembering to change my Fantasy team ahead of the cluster-fuck of Stephen's Day fixtures on? He did in me bollix, as we like to say on the Northside of Dublin. 



Still, if we want to talk about marginal gains, then the 8-point increase on last week's tally is owed in large part to the scintillating performance of Christian Eriksen in Spurs' 5-0 knock-out (Boxing Day reference) of Bournemouth where the Danish midfield maestro nabbed a goal and an assist to bring home the bacon - or 13 points, to be exact. 

Salah replicated Eriksen with a goal and assist in Liverpool's comfortable 4-0 win against Newcastle, while skipper Aguero got an assist in Man City's shock 2-1 loss to Leicester City. Also, Alexander-Arnold had an absolute stormer for Liverpool...but that didn't matter because my bench needed him more than my team, apparently. I hope he got some lovely splinters in his arse.

Points: 58
Transfers: 0
Tally: 1,030

Gameweek 20 - 29 Dec: Ode to Kanté

Let's make one thing clear: when I started this epic journey, I never set out to betray N'Golo Kanté. I wanted Kanté to prove Brendan Cosgrave wrong. Somewhere along the way, I lost faith in myself. Somewhere along the way, I dropped N'Golo Kanté - and now I have finally lived to regret it.



10 points wasted on the bench. I have no excuse. I made changes to my team and left Kanté out by choice. I didn't appreciate what I had, I thought the grass was greener - I was blinded by the dazzling form of Eriksen, the reputation of Salah (who lived up to it this week, to be fair) and by the flashiness of Richarlison; I was misled into thinking that just because I signed David Brooks of Bournemouth, I was obliged to play him (at least he got an assist).

One of my favourite football quotes was made by that beloved Frenchman, Thierry Henry (Ireland's favourite son). After the 2006 Champions League final between Arsenal and Barcelona, Henry spoke about the impact Henrik Larsson had made in the game as a sub for the Catalan side and I can't help but feel that shades of the sentiment behind Henry's words ring true in the case of Kanté:

"People always talk about Ronaldinho and everything, but I didn't see him today - I saw Henrik Larsson. Two times he came on - he changed the game, that is what killed the game. Sometimes you talk about Ronaldinho and Eto'o and people like that, you need to talk about the proper footballer who made the difference and that was Henrik Larsson tonight."

Swap Ronaldinho and Eto'o out for every other midfielder in the Premier League and swap Larsson out for Kanté, and the statement is just as true - the only difference is that where Henry is expressing appreciation, I'm expressing only regret and sorrow. 

I'm sorry, Kanté. I'll never use the pun #Franté again (except when I used it just now to express that I'll never use it again) because I'm not worthy.



Points: 56
Transfers: 0
Tally: 1,093 (my tallying has gone wrong by 7 points somewhere, but listen, I'm not going to cry over an extra 7 points)

Gameweek 21 - 01 Jan: Harry Kane is the undisputed best striker in the world

That's right, the Spurs striker is without a shadow of a doubt the undisputed, undefeated heavyweight striker of the world. Why? Because his goal and assist against Cardiff meant he bagged me 24 points thanks to the fact I trusted him with the captain's armband. I only got 54 points for the week, the chap nearly got more points for me than the rest of my team combined!



That delicious Danish biscuit Christian Eriksen also managed to get on the scoresheet against the hapless Bluebirds, so my Spurs contingent justified their existence this week. Meanwhile, my supposedly title-chasing Liverpool duo of Salah and Alisson achieved nothing thanks to the Reds' capitulation in their 2-1 loss to City - in fairness, there are probably worse teams they could have suffered their first league defeat of the season against. PSYCHE.

To make things just that little bit more irritating for me, David Brooks managed to find a way to do absolutely nothing of note in a thrilling 3-3 draw between Bournemouth and Watford. I mean, Callum Wilson scored so at least one half of my sweet cherry pair produced some sugary points, but...it was a 3-3 draw - the chap plays in midfield and he played the full game. 

It's fine, I had Antonio Rüdiger in the backline with a cleansheet, I suppose...

Points: 54
Transfers: 0
Tally: 1,147

Gameweek 22 - 12 Jan: JESUS! JESUS! JESUS IS ON FIRE!

I dropped Harry Kane because I knew he would wilt in the face of Ole Gunnar Solskjær's Manchester United revolution. I toyed with the idea of bringing back skipper Aguero but injury concerns made me think better of it. So I turned to a hitherto untested individual (in my Fantasy season so far, anyway): Gabriel Jesus, and boy, did he prove to be the master blaster - a man to see (a Man City?).



While the heaven-sent City striker was the star of my team this week with a 26 point captain's performance, it must be said I was also really DIGgin' Lucas Digne's contribution to Everton's 2-0 win over Bournemouth - an assist and cleansheet for the Toffees defender vindicated my decision to drop Brooks to the bench after his anonymous showing against Watford last week and to axe Wilson despite him netting in that 3-3 draw.

Speaking of the Hornets, José Lloyd Holebas was at it again with a nice attacking contribution from Watford's backline, bagging an assist in the 2-1 victory over Crystal Palace. It was also good to see Mo Salah end his one-game goal drought with the solitary goal in Liverpool's 1-0 win over Brighton. All of this ensured I broke the 60-point mark for the first time since gameweek 15 when I played my Wildcard - and this despite the fact I spent four points to make three transfers. What a time to be alive.

Oh, and I'll say it again: JESUS IS ON FIRE!




Points: 74 
Transfers: 3 (- 4 points)
Tally: 1,217

Gameweek 23 - 19 Jan: #neverpunished

While the title for this week's update isn't exactly accurate as I have been punished already this season for forgetting to change my team, I'm sticking with it anyway because of Pep Guardiola - at first I cursed him and his rotation policy, but by the end of the weekend, I was praising the master tactician.




My mental lapse this time meant that I still had Jesus as captain on the back of his heroics last week, but Aguero was selected by Pep to start against Huddersfield. I was then left praying that whenever Jesus was brought on, he would have enough time to make some sort of impact in the game - this, I thought, was the best I could hope for because Aguero, with his injury record, is usually hooked after 60/70 minutes in order to manage his playing time and condition.

Salah had bagged a brace in the 4-3 thriller against Crystal Palace, so I could see he got me 15 points anyway, but I was convinced Jesus would see some playing time in the Huddersfield game and hadn't considered that him not playing was a possibiliy...until Pep made his second substitution of the game. All of a sudden, I was hoping beyond hope that the Brazilian wouldn't come on; despite City's dominance, Aguero had barely a sniff in the game and I didn't envisage Jesus having any more joy.

When I saw who City's third sub was, well, let's just say I remain convinced it was the happiest anybody has ever been to see Fabian Delph step onto a football pitch. Pep's decision there meant that Jesus dropped to my own bench and David Brooks came into my team - the Bournemouth midfielder had gotten 6 points but wasn't in my starting XI, so he wouldn't have contributed to my points tally.

Therefore, viz-a-viz, concordantly, #neverpunished proves to be a fitting description for this gameweek.

Points: 62
Transfers: 0
Tally: 1,279

Gameweek 24 - 29 Jan: BROOKen hearted

I've gone from #neverpunished to #heavilypunished. What an absolutely atrocious week. The worst of the season so far, one point lower than the previous record of 39 set in gameweek 14 which was a week where I forgot to change my team...I actually remembered to change my team this week but just chose not to!



25 points stuck on my bench while my midfield attempted to under-perform and succeeded in spectacularly underwhelming fashion. The 10 points from Artur Boruc I won't even bother whinging about because, let's be honest, I haven't played the lad all season and I was highly unlikely to start this week unless the Doc turned up at my doorstep an hour before the submission deadline with a sporting almanac for 2019.

David Brooks and José Lloyd Holebas, though - these are lads who have been in and around my first-team for most of the campaign. Sure, Holebas only got 3 points, but it's better than getting -2 off feckin' Lucas 'Digger' Digne - chap is literally digging me into holes, and not holes of the Holebas variety, sadly.

Doherty, Richarlison and Mitrović were the only reasons why this week wasn't a complete embarrassment, yet somehow I don't think Snapchat's greatest signing is going to want to show his Fulham teammates a picture of this shambles. Anybody got a DeLorean handy?



Points: 38
Transfers: 0
Tally: 1,317

Gameweek 25 - 02 Feb: WHAT A (FREE) HIT, SON! WHAT A (FREE) HIT!

When looking at my squad for this gameweek, I noticed something odd - City and Everton players seemed to be down for two games instead of one. I soon discovered that this was not an aberration and so I resolved to use my Free Hit this week in order to take full advantage. It was worth it, but indecisiveness cost me even more points.



I dumped Salah and Firmino, knowing I'd get them back next week as per the rules of the Free Hit function, and went all in on Man City players - specifically Aguero, Jesus and Raheem Sterling. I had a good hard think about who I wanted to be captain, given Guardiola's penchant for rotation and decided that of the three players, Sterling was the most likely to see the majority of the action across both games. 

However, at the last possible moment, I wilted and decided I'd rather return the armband to skipper Aguero. At 11:29, I was FRANtically trying to log onto the site on my phone and it looked like I'd managed to make the change before the 11:30 deadline, but I wasn't sure - as it happened, I didn't get it done in time, so of course Aguero smashed in a hat-trick against Arsenal. 

While Sterling did pick up two assists in that game, he only played 31 minutes against Everton and so returned 22 points for his captaincy. Aguero notched 19 without the armband and some quick maffs tells me that by not skippering the Argentine, I cost myself an additional 8 points. The smallest margins make for the greatest differences in Fantasy Football, or so I've learned, so I may live to rue those lost 8 points.

My other cheeky pick-up from the Free Hit was Chelsea newboy Gonzalo Higuain; having spotted that he was up against Huddersfield, I reckoned he'd get at least one and he didn't disappoint, netting two goals in the Blues' 5-0 rout and grabbing some bonus points to boot. 

It was a solid Free Hit, to be fair, and resulted in the highest return I've managed from a single gameweek to date: 89. Yet, I know it could have been 8 points sweeter.

Points: 89
Transfers: 0 (Free Hit played)
Tally: 1,406

Gameweek 26 - 09 Feb: HIT by FFP

While last week's Free Hit was great craic, it left me in a selection conundrum this week. I wanted to keep Aguero in my team, but couldn't afford him without making significant transfers. As I only had one free transfer to work with, points would need to be splashed in order to get the deal over the line. In the end, I shied away from it and kept faith with Jesus - like with all deities, this proved to be misplaced.




While ex-skipper Aguero was off making a Sarri mess of Chelsea's backline, Jesus twiddled his thumbs on the bench before coming on for 25 minutes to achieve precisely nothing in a game City won 6-0. Additional salt in the wound came in the form of Sterling's brace - had he done that when he was my captain last week, I'd have been in the money (points).

In the end, my team reverted to type with a bang average week. The return of Salah to the squad after being dropped in Free Hit week was at least fruitful thanks to his goal in Liverpool's 3-0 win over Bournemouth. The delightful Dane Christian Eriksen also turned in a sumptuous performance against Leicester City with a goal and assist in Spurs' 3-1 win.

As it's a FA Cup weekend, I have ten days now to moodily reflect on what may have been and what could be again. There's still a second Wildcard to be played, but that seems a tad premature. Perhaps I'm just mistily daydreaming of last week's Free Hit joy, but the squad feels stale all of a sudden. Or maybe, I just really miss the Kun.

Points: 58
Transfers: 2 (-4)
Tally: 1,460

Gameweek 27 - 22 Feb: Salomón Rondón, not born in London

Granted, that was a very weak attempt at a play on the old Solomon Grundy rhyme, I regret nothing - except maybe my entire team selection this week bar Salomón Rondón as skipper which was just an inspirational bit of business. Not Wildcard worthy, but this is the scenario we were left in thanks to an awkward fixture list.



Rondón did the business at least with a goal and an assist to make good on his captaincy, but other than that, we had a bang average week to round off February with a whimper. Little did I realise that this would be the highest points tally I'd achieve for a while...

Points: 55
Transfers: 0 (WILDCARD!)
Tally: 1,510

Gameweeks 28-31 - 26 Feb-16 Mar: The weeks Fran forgot...

Once March hit, Fantasy Football literally became fantasy in my mind as I just stopped paying attention to it. Perhaps it was just the shite team I'd left myself after some ropey Wilcard decisions, or maybe it was the fact I'd remember to change my team and then forget that I'd remember and so would forget again, but listen...I've had the same muck team for four weeks.



The timing of my dilligence with picking my FF squad seems to coincide with a recent opportunity I've taken to write posts for the Paddy Power News blog. I'm still based in customer support in PP, but I write some bits and bobs in my spare time, which naturally enough leaves me with less time to focus all my energies into deciding between Chris Wood and Marcus Rashford.

Unfortunately for me, a tight budget and wonky fixture list meant I opted for Wood and thus he has been leading my line for the last month. Snapchat's greatest signing Mitrović has been my captain during a period where the only thing he achieved was setting foot on the pitch for every game. 

Having had a quick glance through the weeks, not a single player put in an outstanding performance. At the time of writing this update, we're in the middle of an international break, so it remains to be seen whether or not I'll remember to change my team before the March 30th 11:30am deadline. Not even skipper Aguero can save me now.

Points (accumulated between weeks 28-31): 108
Transfers: 1 (free)
Tally: 1,619

Gameweeks 32-35 - 30 Mar-20 Apr: Remembering he forgot did not help Fran remember...

The good news is, I remembered to bring back Skipper Aguero. The bad news is, I dropped eight points to make four transfers and two of the players I signed were Man United players - and, of course, United have been playing shite recently.



The re-signing of Aguero was somewhat productive as he was responsible for earning 38 of the 202 points I managed to accrue without paying attention over the four weeks in question. This is despite the fact he was a blank for one of the weeks as City weren't in action. With only three weeks left of the season, I am taking the bold decision to not drop the man at all for City's run-in as he's bound to be integral to their ultimate title victory (calling it now, Liverpool won't win the league).

The Argentine and Mo Salah were the only players in my side to display any sort of consistency across the four weeks, with the Egyptian earning 31 points in the same period (he was captain during gameweek 33 when Aguero was blanked and got 12 points). Paul Pogba managed to get 15 points during gameweek 34 but, unfortunately for me, Ryan Fraser was stuck on my bench that same week and he got 16 points - meanwhile, Jesse Lingard was busy being totally anonymous in United's 2-1 win over West Ham, so he got a measly two points.

Matt Doherty scored during Wolves' sensational 3-1 win over Arsenal to return 13 points during gameweek 35 which made up for him doing sweet fuck all during his two previous games (I can hardly be angry with him for being a blank on one occasion). With only three gameweeks left in the season, I need to make a determined, passionate commitment to my squad and lead us on a mesmeric charge up my two Fantasy league tables.

This does not continue to slip now.

Points (accumulated between weeks 32-35): 202
Transfers: 4 (-8)
Tally: 1,813

Gameweeks 36-38 - 26 Apr-12 May: The FRANtasy comes to its conclusion

In the end, as ever, I did what I typically do best with these Fantasy Football games: I forgot to change my team. In the end, two of my last three weeks weren't bad - thanks mainly to the performances of Mo Salah - but my last week was a below average one, though not the worst I'd had over the course of the campaign.



Liverpool's Egyptian God Salah was responsible for supplying 58 of the 217 points earned by my team across the last three league games of the season, but his form was ultimately in vain in terms of the Premier League title chase. Still, wrapping up your season with a nice Champions League medal isn't too shabby (even if the honours of securing the winning goal fell to the enigma that is Divock Origi).

I think my biggest shock was seeing that David Luiz was my top performer in gameweek 37 with 15 points thanks to his goal and cleansheet during Chelsea's 3-0 win over Watford. With an 88 point return, 37 was the best of my final three gameweeks thanks to Luiz, Salah, Salamon Rondón (not born in London), Matt Doherty and Seamus Coleman - with the latter two proving that they can perform in the same team together thanks to their 26-point combined haul. Take note, Big Mick.

Gameweek 38 ended with a comparatively, yet suitable, drab 51 points to round out my season an overwhelming meh. But listen, we had some good times...didn't we?

Points (accumulated between weeks 36-38): 217
Transfers: 3 (-4 points)
Season ending tally: 2,026

Frantasy Football 2018/19: Post-mortem


This was an experiment to see if keeping a blog about my wonky Fantasy Football decisions would encourage me to maintain interest in my Fantasy Football team for an entire season and, bizarrely, it both succeeded and failed - it succeeded in the sense that, from my count, I paid attention for 22 of the 38 gameweeks, meaning I had a moderately respectable points tally at the end of the season.

My 2,026 points was enough to see finish 31st in the 75-team work Fantasy league. At one point, I looked on course for a fairly solid 25th place, but when you don't change your team for 16 gameweeks, you're bound to miss out on some valuable points, so I'll take 31st. I also finished 7th in the 16-team league my brother invited me to join at the start of the season. This please me for one reason: I beat my brother. It made it all worth while.

However, the fact that I missed 16 gameweeks - including the final two weeks of the season - the logic dictates that the experiment, based on its wording, was a failure because I did not literally maintain interest for either the entirety of the campaign or until the very last ball had been kicked in anger by my boy, José Lloyd Holebas.

With so many changes throughout the campaign (27 transfers by my count, excluding the Widlcard and Free Hit played), it's hard to know who my MVP was throughout the season, but off the top of my head, I would think Skipper Aguero was key. The Manchester City striker was the linchpin of his side's title success and whenever I didn't have him (and was paying attention), I knew I wanted him. Mo Salah would be up there, too.

My biggest regret is not playing N'Golo Kanté enough in order to completely and utterly prove Brendan Cosgrave wrong - chap finished up with 116 points which isn't bad for arguably the best defensive midfielder in the league (I'm conveniently ignoring the fact that he was inexplicably played in a more offensive position all season by Maurizo Sarri because of Sarri's hard-on for Jorginho).

My favourite random thing I learned was the discovery that Aleksander Mitrović was Snapchat's greatest transfer - I'd never heard this story until I randomly Googled the player after picking him up one of the weeks. His hotstreak didn't last for Fulham anyway and they ended up relegated - now he's acting the bollocks in trying to force and move and the Cottagers are like: "Nah, you're not moving out, mate." With any luck, Snapchat will come to the aid of our photogenic protagonist once again to extricate him from his Championship nightmare.

The question now is: will I do this again next season? Probably not.

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